My Feelings ...

Up to this point, I have given a lot of information about both of my children and the course of our lives together. I have talked about finding out about the challenges they face and the challenges I face in raising them. I have talked a bit about some funny moments with them and about the hardships we all faced in the public school system. I haven't talked much about my feelings in all of this...  with the discovery, the diagnoses, and 'other' things that have happened as a result. That is what this post is going to be about...

I have said it before, and I will say it again, and again, and again...  I would rather have children with differences and challenges, than no children at all. This journey hasn't been easy on me or our family in a lot of ways, but I would make it a thousand times again just for the privilege of being Andrew and Austin's Mom.

It is no secret to close friends and family, that I had a rough childhood and family life growing up. But, in spite of that, I try to look on all experiences as a learning experience. It's what helps to keep me sane. If I were to constantly dwell on the past and wonder "why?" certain situations happened to me, I would be a very depressed person and probably never want to leave my house. Therefore, I try to see everything and every experience as a chance to learn and grow. Now I am not saying that I never get upset about things or situations...  I most certainly do. I wouldn't be human if I didn't, but after the initial shock wears off... I try to learn something from it. The situation with my kids is no different.

Most people who find out that their child is going to have certain challenges describe it as ... like a death. They grieve for what they hoped for and wanted or expected in their child. They go through those types of emotions.... I guess I was the same to an extent. I did some grieving...  it upset me initially finding out that my kids had neurological disorders. Then ...  Yes, I got angry..  but not about my kids, necessarily, but at the school, for denying the help that they were supposed to provide. I was able to accept the diagnosis pretty quickly, I think... or maybe I just masked it with ---  trying to figure out everything I needed to do for them. As I said in a previous post, I kind of went into panic mode for a bit. I was constantly being told and reading that early intervention was the key to success in these types of issues. Andrew was already 5 years old when we got the diagnosis, so I didn't feel we had any time to waste. After we made the decision that I would quit work and I would take care of our family full time..  I was able to slow myself down a bit and relax and really start to do some good for Andrew and Austin.

I have said in previous posts that I know I don't always do things right my first time out, but babies don't come with a manual about how to raise them. I do what I feel is right in my heart at the time. If it works ...  GREAT!  If it doesn't work...  then I try something else. This is really ALL we can do as parents.

There is a poem, by Emily Perl Kingsley, Titled, Welcome to Holland, that has given me much inspiration over the years. But, I have to say that the way I see it..  it doesn't stop with Holland. You spend quite a while in Holland, but then are whisked off to ...  say Egypt. You will spend a while there and have to learn a whole new language and learn to find your way around a whole new 'land'; then be whisked off to another unknown 'land' and start the process all over again. What I mean by this is that, much like with typical children, they are ever changing. What worked yesterday, may not work tomorrow; so you will have to regroup and figure out a new strategy. When puberty hits...  OH MY GOSH...  EVERYTHING changes, again, much like with typical kids..  the difference comes with the fact that kids with Autism or other 'different abilities' don't always understand the changes that their bodies are going through. This is much the case with Andrew. We have to prepare him for even this.. natural thing, that is starting to happen to him. His thought process is basically, 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it!' He tells me this in his own Andrew way...  "He likes the way he is now and doesn't want to change, or grow hair, or any of that other stuff! Hmmmppphh!"

While it can be quite funny at times..  it is also stressful..  how do you explain to a child that whether he likes it or not, these changes are coming, and you are just trying to help him so that he is prepared for it when they do occur. We do the best we can. Rich and I talk to him every so often..  give him little tid bits (to try and prepare him for these natural changes), and then leave the rest up to him. He has been pretty good, so far, about coming to us with questions.... that we do our best to answer to his satisfaction (without giving him too much information that we don't feel he is ready for); and still, sometimes, we are met with opposition. He continues to tell us that he is not going to 'grow up'. We just tell him that he doesn't have a choice... everyone 'grows up' eventually. I have to say, I love his innocence.

When you have a child, that is not 'typical'...  you find out who your true friends are. We have lost friends during this process...  but we have also gained some..  that we would never have met otherwise. I have found that people can be very narrow-minded ... I have found that if someone doesn't have a child or know someone (that is close to them) that has a child with different abilities...  these types of things scare them, because they just don't understand... and they don't want to most of the time. It is almost as if you are telling them that your child has some contagious disease. They just don't want to deal with it. These kids are not disease ridden ...  they just simply see the world differently than most, and if these people would take the time, they may just be surprised at how refreshing another's view of the world can be. But, I digress.

I guess what really hurts me the most is the family members that can't or won't be supportive. I get complaints of  "well, you just never bring them around us." But then when I do..  I get nothing but criticisms. They tell me things like... I am ruining my kids and that there is nothing actually wrong with my kids..  it is the way I am raising them that is causing the problems. To be quite honest, I don't have the time or the energy for this. The funny thing is...  I get most of the critical comments and judgments from those that don't even have children. It can hurt just the same, because I want these people to understand and be supportive, but again, I digress. If there is one thing I have learned...  it is that you can't change people or their opinions. What you can change is how much you let yourself be involved with or subjected to them and their comments/judgments. What they don't understand is that they are the one's who are missing out on the joys of being around someone that is so refreshingly different. But they are right about one thing..  there is nothing 'wrong' with my kids... they are perfect just the way they are! I wouldn't change them, even if I could!

They also don't understand that I am my own worst critic. There is nothing that they can say to me that I don't constantly go over in my head ... Every. Single. Minute of Every. Single. Day. I am constantly beating myself up about things like...  am I doing enough, am I doing too much, am I doing the wrong things, am I spoiling them too much, am I too strict on them... etc. As I said before, kids don't come with a manual of how to raise them ...  we all just have to do the best we can with what we have. I know I shouldn't let it upset me... what these people say or even think of me and my family... but there are still times when it does. We all want to be supported by those that are supposed to love us -- right?! The funny thing is ... is that when situations like this occur and I end up in tears over it...  my kids see this, and it just re-solidifies in their heads that the world is a mean and cruel place. This is not something that I want for my kids to hang onto...  I want them to be around people who are accepting of them and their differences, I want them to KNOW that even though there are mean/cruel people in the world...  we don't have to spend our time with them or waste our time worrying about what they say or think ... we should spend our time with those that love us and accept us for who we are, for this is where the true beauty of the world shines. I am at the point now, where I don't even want to be around certain people, because of their judgments and critical comments. I want/need people in my life and my kids' lives who are going to be supportive and helpful... help talk me down when I am beating myself up, give me helpful advice, and positive feedback, give me constructive criticism. I have some people like this in my life ...  my Mom-in-Law, my Mom, a few other family members, a few friends...  just to name a few.

As I said before...  home schooling has been a great blessing for myself, my kids and our family as a whole. And Yes, I probably mess up some with that as well, but I do the best I can... I want to make sure that my kids KNOW the information they are supposed to know and I am NOT going to push them through a concept just to keep up with what 'others' are learning at this age. If they don't KNOW and understand the easy stuff...  they are NEVER going to be able to grasp the harder stuff. We take our time on things that they are having a hard time understanding and zip through the things that they are understanding well. We LOVE our home school group. I LOVE the Mom's Night Out..  it gives me a needed break from the kids after being with them 24/7 every week. I have met some Great friends and so have my boys! And...  there are some that I would still like to get to know a lot better! I know I am a bit guarded...  but when you have family members that are so judgmental and critical of you and your family, it is hard to think that people you don't know well will be supportive. Although, so far, I have been pleasantly surprised, I must say!

Even though this journey hasn't been an easy one...  I will say that it has been a GREAT one, and I look forward to many more years to come...  with my kids, home schooling, and our new friends. I look forward to making more friendships and strengthening friendships that have only just begun.